Funny Quotes about Sex and Love
- A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to
want to take it off you.
- A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over.
There’s nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
- A hooker once told me she had a headache.
- A kiss is an application on the top floor for a
job in the basement.
- A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic
who never owned a car.
- A man on a date wonders if he’s get lucky. The woman knows.
- A man stopped me in the street and showed me the
lining of his raincoat. Are you sure he only wanted you to see his raincoat?
Oh, yes! He wasn’t wearing anything else.
- A nymphomaniac is a woman as obsessed with sex
as the average man.
- A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are
bad. An optimist is one who hopes they
- A psychiatrist told me and my wife that we
should have sex every night -- now you never see each other.
- A slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with
everyone except you.
- A terrible thing happened to me last night again
- A truckload of Viagra has fallen in the river
Thames - Tower Bridge stays open for hours.
- A woman is like a police car. They both make a
lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
- A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a
Jew reading a Nazi manual.
- A woman’s beauty may be fatal to her.
- A woman’s dress should be like a barbed wire
fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.
- A woman’s most erogenous zone is her mind.
- Advertising is the most fun you can have with
your clothes on.
- After we made love he took a piece of chalk and
made an outline of my body.
- All her clothes are made from natural fibres but
her breast are man-made.
- All women are the same height lying down.
- An intellectual is someone who has found something
more interesting than sex.
- An old gentleman asked the pretty girl if she
wanted come up to his room to help him write his will.
- Anyone might become homosexual after seeing her
- As a lover, I’m about as impressive as a
magician on the radio.
- As a useless piece of flesh at the end of a
penis is called a man.
- Beauty is only sin deep.
- Behind every successful man stands a woman with
nothing to wear.
- Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
- Can I buy you a drink? Can I just have the
- Can you imagine a word without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
- Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.
- Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit
by a bus.
- Did he tell his boyfriend that he is gay?
- Did I sleep with this woman? No, not a wink.
- Do you come here often? No, it’s just the way I
- Do you speak to your wife when you are making
love? Only if she rings up!
- Don’t ever stay in bed unless you can make money
- Don’t let love interfere with your appetite.
- Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with
someone you love.
- Eve was so jealous of Adam that when he came
home each night she used to count his ribs.
- Everyone knows that hate is not an opposite of
love. Indifference is.
- Fall not in love -- it will stick to your face.
- For sale: two single beds and a worn carpet.
- From an elephant's point of view how men could
able to breathe through those little things?
- Gentlemen prefer bonds.
- God gave men a penis and a brain, but not enough
blood to use both at the same time.
- God, why didn’t you make women first -- when you
- Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy
without being good at them.
- Happiness is watching TV at your girlfriend's
house during a power failure.
- He has been kissed as often as a police-court
Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- He saw a beautiful young girl working along the
beach, dressed in an extremely tight pair of denim shorts. I’m sorry to trouble you -- but I’m
fascinated about your shorts. How can
everyone possibly manage to get inside such a tight garment? As a beautiful young girl smiled and replied:
you can start by asking me out to dinner.
- He twisted my nipples as though turning a radio.
- He used to go out with a girl called Ruth. Then she left him, so he became ruthless.
- How about you sit on my lap and we talk about
the first thing that pops up?
- How do you make your cock look bigger? Buy
- Humans are the only animal who can have sex over
- I am always looking for a meaningful one night
- I believe that sex is the most beautiful,
natural and wholesome thing that money can buy.
- I can provide temporary relief for
- I didn't suspect it was an orgy until three days
- I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would be mad at me
for saying that.
- I don’t need Viagra. I need a woman.
- I don’t think she is a lesbian. I think she just ran out of men.
- I don't know the question, but sex is definitely
- I dress for women -- and I undress for men.
- I had phone sex and got an ear infection.
- I have a friend who died from a single sneeze. Of course, he was standing in his neighbours’
bedroom closet at the time.
- I have a mirrored ceiling over my bed because I
like to know what I’m doing.
- I have low self-esteem. During sex, I fantasise I’m someone else.
- I have no self-confidence. When girls say yes, I tell them to think it
- I have no sex appeal. I have to blindfold my vibrator.
- I jumped in a cab and said "Take me where I
can get laid!” He took me to my house!
- I knew a girl so ugly that they use her in
prisons to cure sex offenders.
- I learned about sex the hard way -- from books.
- I love men, not because they are men, but
because they are not women.
- I loved mathematics. Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our
legs, and multiply!
- I once made love to female clown. She twisted my penis into a poodle.
- I remember the first time I had sex because I
kept the receipt.
- I saw a book titled "Sex for Dummies"
and wondered why anyone would teach dumb people how to reproduce?
- I still chase women -- but only when they’re
- I thought "deep throat" was a movie
about a giraffe.
- I tried phone sex once. Got my penis stuck in the nine.
- I was actually the first birth from an
- I was oversexed for only once in my life – from
1914 to 1991.
- I wasn’t kissing your daughter, Sir -- I was
just whispering in her mouth.
- I’m a terrible lover. I’ve actually given a
woman an anti-climax.
- I’m as confident as Cleopatra’s pussy.
- I’m busier than a whore working two beds.
- I’m so against working, I won’t even take a blow
- I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot
of my own.
- I’ve got to stop taking Viagra because I can’t
zip up my trousers.
- I’ve never through with a girl until I’ve had
her three ways. John F. Kennedy
- If a man opens a car door for a woman, it’s
either a new car or a new woman.
- If homosexuality were the normal way, God would
have made Adam and Bruce.
- If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex
life at all.
- If the art of conversation stood a little higher
we would have a lower birth rate.
- If you have to ask if somebody is male or
- If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a
relationship, buy a dog.
- I'm glad I'm not bisexual -- I couldn't stand
being rejected by men as well as women.
- I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss
- I'm not bald -- my head is just a solar panel
for a sex machine.
- I'm quite happy with my mistress. She goes to
bed with others because she loves them, but for money -- only with me.
- In darkness, all women are the same.
- In Hollywood a romantic man is one who talks to
you after sex.
- In the dark, all women are fair.
- Is it wrong to have sex before marriage? Only if
it makes you late for the ceremony.
- Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you glad to
- It doesn’t matter how often a couple have sex as
long as it is in the same number for both of them.
- It is not true that I had nothing on. I had the
- It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention
of getting married.
- It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss
like a beginner.
- It was sheer torture. Around me nothing but
naked women, dressed up to their necks.
- It’s a new low for actresses when you have do
wonder what is between her ears instead of her legs.
- It’s hard to keep a good girl down - but lots of
- It's a pity that Mary Stopper's mother had not
thought of birth control.
- I've often been chased by women but never while
I was awake.
- Last night I tried a Viagra for the first time.
When I swallowed it, it got stuck in my throat. This morning I awoke with a
- Last night my wife met me at the front door. She
was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
- Let me tell you a terrific story about oral
contraception. I asked a girl to sleep
with me and she said no.
- Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about
the seven inches.
- Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to
be a secret.
- Love comes in spurts.
- Love is a matter of chemistry -- sex is simply
- Love is being stupid together.
- Love is it just a dirty trick played on us to
achieve the continuation of the species.
- Love is just a substitute for chocolate.
- Love is just another four-letter word.
- Love is the delusion that one woman differs from
- Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught.
- Males can’t look at breasts and think at the
- Man is the second strongest sex in the world.
- Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
- Masochist: hit me! Sadist: no.
- Men always say the most important thing in a
woman is a sense of humour. You want to
know what that means? He is looking for
someone to laugh at his jokes.
- Men date thin girls because they are too weak to
argue and they only eat salads.
- Men get just brilliant ideas during sex because
they're plugged into a genius.
- Men talk to women so they can sleep with them,
and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
- Mobile phones are the only subject on which men
boast about who’s got the smallest.
- Most men in this town think monogamy is some
kind of wood.
- Most women are attracted to the simple things in
life. Like men.
- My best birth control now is to leave the lights
- My brain -- that’s my second favourite organ.
- My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no
matter what she’s reading.
- My girlfriend told me she was seeing another
man. I told her to rub her eyes.
- My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips -- but
it’s all over now.
- My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete,
just because he always comes first.
- My nipples have always been my Achilles heel.
- My psychiatrist who was both Freudian and a
behaviourist. He liked sex with electric
- My wife and I have Olympic Sex. Once every four
- My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for
sex, she objects.
- My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last
night she used me to time an egg.
- My wife’s favourite position is back to back.
- Never do anything in bed what you can’t
- Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on
- Nine out of ten dentists recommend oral sex.
- No calendar reform will shorten pregnancy.
- No woman is so naked as one you can see to be
naked underneath her clothes.
- Nudist beach.
Pleased to meet you. The girl
looked down, blushed, and said: I can see you are.
- Of course a platonic relationship is possible,
but only between a husband and wife.
- Older women are best because they always think
they may be doing it for the last time.
- One must choose between loving women and knowing
- One strand of pubic hair can be stronger than
the Atlantic cable.
- People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
- Scientists now believe that the primary
biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
- Scratch a lover and find a foe.
- Sex Appeal -- please give generously.
- Sex is a good thing. Someday I hope to do it again.
- Sex is a powerful aphrodisiac.
- Sex is a three-letter word used instead of a
- Sex is just poor man’s polo.
- Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and
the good stuff is out of your price range.
- Sex is like money; only too much is enough.
- Sex is something the children never discuss in
the presence of their elders.
- Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take
place between a happily married man and his secretary.
- Sex is the most fun you can have without
- Sex will outlive us all.
- She broke up with me when she found out I was
sleeping with her.
- She fell in love with her boyfriend at second
sight -- the first time she didn’t know he had any money.
- She is as much fun as barbed wire.
- She said she would scream for help. I told her I
didn't need any help.
- She’s antidote to desire.
- Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
- Somewhere on this earth, every 10 seconds, a
woman gives birth to a child. We must
find this woman and stop her at once.
- Splendid couple -- slept with both of them.
- Teenage girls can get pregnant merely by standing
downwind of teenage boys.
- Tell me whom you sleep with and I shall tell you
whom you dream of.
- The big difference between sex for money and sex
for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
- The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
- The difference between a woman and a battery is
a battery has a plus side.
- The dove symbolises peace and the swallow --
- The great trick with a woman is to get rid of
her while he thinks he’s getting rid of you.
- The Italians invented birth control -- they call
- The most expensive thing in the world is a girl
who is free for the evening.
- The nudists play strip poker. Every time he loses he has to put something
- The older he gets, the younger his girlfriends
get. Soon, he will be dating sperm.
- The only place men want depth in a woman is in
- The only reason there is a population explosion
is because it’s such a great fun to light the fuse.
- The only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
- The thing women like most in bed is breakfast.
- The trouble with group sex is that you never
know where to put your elbows.
- The veil protects us from a lot of ugly women.
- The way to girl’s stomach is through her heart.
- The women’s movement would probably be more
successful if men were running it.
- Their bodies were so close together that there
was no room for real affection.
- There are no unseducible women -- only inept
- There are two theories about how to argue with a
woman. Neither one works.
- There are two things in life I like hard and one
of them is eggs.
- There is nothing like good food, good wine and a
- There will always be a battle between the sexes
because men and women want different things: men want women and women want men.
- They made love as though they were an endangered
- They’re working on Viagra for women. Are they crazy? That’s been around for hundreds of years --
it’s called cash.
- Those who complain about women usually have a
particular woman in mind.
- Thoughts and women never come together.
- To avoid eye contact, kiss.
- Trying to persuade a baby to go to bed is
hardest when she is beautiful and about 18 year old.
- Two things a real man likes are danger and
play. He likes women because there are
the most dangerous playthings.
- Was the difference between a light bulb and a
pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb.
- We looked into each other’s eyes. I saw myself,
she saw herself.
- What are the small bumps around a woman's
nipples for? There're Braille for "suck here".
- What do you do when you find, in your own bed,
your wife’s lover with another woman?
- What do you wear in bed? Chanel No. 5.
- What is the definition of eternity? The time
between when you come and when she goes.
- What makes sex so popular is that you don't have
to get dressed up for it.
- What would I have to give you to get a little
- What you think of sex on the television? Very uncomfortable.
- What’s your sign? No Entry.
- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual
harassment. When a woman talks dirty to
a man, it’s $5 per minute.
- When I came into my hotel room last night I
found a strange blonde in my bed. I gave
her exactly 24 hours to get out.
- When I said I had sex for seven hours that
included dinner and a movie.
- When people say you are breaking my heart, they
do in fact mean that they're breaking the genitals.
- When she saw the sign Members Only she thought
- When women go wrong, men go right after them.
- When you go to woman, take your whip.
- Where have you been all my life? Outside your
window, in the bushes, with the binoculars.
- Where is she?
She is abroad. I asked where she
was, not what she was.
When? How much? -- Your place. Tonight.
- Which of your relations do you like best? Sex.
- Who was the blonde I saw you with last
night? That was the dark-haired girl you
saw me with on Monday.
- Why do men like women dressed up in leather?
Because then they smell like new cars.
- Why do men masturbate? To feel what it's like to
have sex with someone they love.
- Why do women like cars with sunroofs? There is
more leg room.
- Why is sex like air? Because it's no big deal
unless you are not getting any.
- Why kiss the maid when you can kiss the
- With a eunuch you can have a long chat, said the lady from the harem.
- Woman was God’s second mistake. Friedrich
- Women are like banks. Breaking and entering is a serious business.
- Women cannot read maps. Only a man would think
an inch equals a mile.
- Women fake orgasm, men fake foreplay.
- Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
- Women talk more than men because they have four
lips. Men are smarter than women because they have two heads.
- Women were given breasts to make suckers out of
- Women, can’t live with them, and have
heterosexual sex without them.
- You are the object of my erection.
- You know you are in love when you’re willing to
share your cash-machine number.
- You never know where to look when eating a
- Your place or mine? Both.
You go to your place and I’ll go to mine.
- Your place or mine? Well, I’m running out of
places to hide the bodies at mine.