Funny and Witty Advice
- Always remember the poor -- it costs nothing.
- Always suspect everybody.
- Believe nothing until it has been officially
- Beware of computer programmers who carry
- Blow wind into your own sails!
- Cheer up!
The worst is yet to come!
- Don’t count your chicken before they cross the
- Don’t go into a bank if the man in front of you
is wearing a balaclava.
- Don’t pay any attention to the critics; don’t
even ignore them.
- Don’t test the depth of the water with both
- Don’t trust your first impulses – they are
- Don't follow me, I'm lost.
- For a sincere personal advice and the correct
time, phone any number at random at 3 a.m.
- Here is a tip to stop smoking: douse yourself in
petrol every day.
- I always advice people never to give advice.
- If you are going to be wrong, be wrong with
- If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing
to do is stop digging.
- If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you
wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
- If your enemy makes a false step – watch out!
You are both dancing to the same tune.
- If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you
have to take the spoon out of the cup.
- It is always best to speak the truth – unless,
of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
- Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t
live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
- Love your neighbour but choose your
- Never accept a drink from an urologist.
- Never be afraid to try something new. Noah was an amateur; the Titanic was built by
- Never buy a pit-bullterrier from a one-armed
- Never buy a portable TV set in the street from a
man who’s out of breath.
- Never floss a stranger.
- Never go abroad.
It’s a dreadful place.
- Never hit anyone below the belt, particularly a
black one earned in karate.
- Never insult a police officer while he’s doing a
body cavity search.
- Never interrupted an enemy when he is making a
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
- Never pick your nose when you’re working with
- Never rub bottoms with a porcupine.
- Never saw on the branch you are sitting on,
unless they are trying to hang you from it.
- Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
- Never transmit a sexual disease in public.
- Never trust a brilliant idea unless it survives
- Never trust a man with a small cock.
- Never trust a man with short legs. Brains too near their bottoms.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative at the same night.
- Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find
- No vice is so bad as advice.
- One must always begin at the end.
- Sleep faster, we need the pillows.
- Smile -- it confuses people.
- Speak wisely - the enemy is listening.
- Stop smoking – curry wet matches.
- Study him.
Watch everything he does. And
don’t do it.
- The easiest way to give up smoking is to stop
putting cigarettes in your mouth and lighting them.
- To hit a Bulls eye -- fire arrow first, and then
draw the target around it.
- To hit your target, aim a little about it.
- Try to kill as much time as possible before time
- When a man comes to me for advice, I find out
that kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.
- Why be difficult? Be impossible.
- You will always find some Eskimos ready to
instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.