VG Art Gallery

UK Digital Artist Vlad Geroimenko
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Art by VladFunny Quotes Funny and Witty Advice

Funny and Witty Advice

  • Always remember the poor -- it costs nothing.
  • Always suspect everybody.
  • Believe nothing until it has been officially denied. 
  • Beware of computer programmers who carry screwdrivers.
  • Blow wind into your own sails!
  • Cheer up!  The worst is yet to come!
  • Don’t count your chicken before they cross the road.
  • Don’t go into a bank if the man in front of you is wearing a balaclava.
  • Don’t pay any attention to the critics; don’t even ignore them.
  • Don’t test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • Don’t trust your first impulses – they are always good. 
  • Don't follow me, I'm lost.
  • For a sincere personal advice and the correct time, phone any number at random at 3 a.m.
  • Here is a tip to stop smoking: douse yourself in petrol every day.
  • I always advice people never to give advice.
  • If you are going to be wrong, be wrong with confidence.
  • If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
  • If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
  • If your enemy makes a false step – watch out! You are both dancing to the same tune.
  • If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
  • It is always best to speak the truth – unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
  • Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
  • Life is uncertain.  Eat dessert first.
  • Love your neighbour but choose your neighbourhood.
  • Never accept a drink from an urologist.
  • Never be afraid to try something new.  Noah was an amateur; the Titanic was built by professionals.
  • Never buy a pit-bullterrier from a one-armed man.
  • Never buy a portable TV set in the street from a man who’s out of breath.
  • Never floss a stranger.
  • Never go abroad.  It’s a dreadful place.
  • Never hit anyone below the belt, particularly a black one earned in karate.
  • Never insult a police officer while he’s doing a body cavity search.
  • Never interrupted an enemy when he is making a mistake. 
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • Never pick your nose when you’re working with superglue.
  • Never rub bottoms with a porcupine.
  • Never saw on the branch you are sitting on, unless they are trying to hang you from it.
  • Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
  • Never transmit a sexual disease in public.
  • Never trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover.
  • Never trust a man with a small cock.
  • Never trust a man with short legs.  Brains too near their bottoms.
  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same night. 
  • Nicotine patches are great.  Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your cigarettes. 
  • No vice is so bad as advice.
  • One must always begin at the end. 
  • Sleep faster, we need the pillows. 
  • Smile -- it confuses people.
  • Speak wisely - the enemy is listening.
  • Stop smoking – curry wet matches.  
  • Study him.  Watch everything he does.  And don’t do it.
  • The easiest way to give up smoking is to stop putting cigarettes in your mouth and lighting them. 
  • To hit a Bulls eye -- fire arrow first, and then draw the target around it.
  • To hit your target, aim a little about it.
  • Try to kill as much time as possible before time kills you.
  • When a man comes to me for advice, I find out that kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.
  • Why be difficult? Be impossible.
  • You will always find some Eskimos ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.
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